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What Is The Number One Killer Of Healthy Relationships?

By Doug Nielsen

“Could you tell me where the nearest McDonalds is?” I asked the retired police officer turned security guard in the convention hall.  He just stood there with a stoic face not even acknowledging my presence. 

I was giving the keynote for a convention in Milwaukee and wanted to go for a morning run to get an Egg McMuffin. 

Thinking that he must be hard of hearing I asked him again.  “Excuse me sir, can you tell me where the nearest McDonalds is?”  HE DIDN’T EVEN MOVE OR ACKNOWLEGE MY PRESENCE. 

Now I was starting to get a little upset at his blatant disregard for me.  Have you ever been blown off like this before?

The situation now turned into a conquest for me to get his attention.  The third time is the charm…right?  With a noticeable increase in intensity, I approached this rude old man for one last try.  I moved directly in front of him to get direct eye contact.  Unbelievably, he still would not acknowledge my presence yet a third time!  WOW!

Then it dawned on me…he was a WAX STATUE!!!  I had been trying to get the attention of a HUNK of WAX!

I quickly glanced around to see if anyone was watching.  To my horror the convention greeter was.  She gave me a big smile and said, “McDonalds is a mile down on your left!”  The laugh was definitely on me.

So what does this story have to do with relationships personally and professionally?

The number one killer of relationships is UNHEALTHY EXPECTATIONS - when you expect another person to behave in a certain way in order for your needs to be met.

Take for example the therapy client whose marriage was in jeopardy because she tied happiness and fulfillment in her marriage to her husband’s giving her a heartfelt apology.  In reality, all he was capable of, was saying a hasty “sorry”.  Did he have room to grow?  Certainly!  However, the moment she attached her well being to the quality of his apology, she gave away the Helm and ownership for her happiness.

Do you sometimes have unhealthy expectations of a boss, a spouse or a friend?

How does this affect your relationship?

It is totally reasonable to make agreements in relationships for expected outcomes or behaviors.  However, when you allow your well being to revolve around their fulfilling the agreement, your expectation has become unhealthy and you have given the Helm away. 

Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that you don’t hold others accountable for commitments they have made.  You do.  But don’t give them the Helm.  If you are  miserable in a relationship, you need look no further than your expectations because expecting another to act a certain way in order to meet your needs is as silly as giving a wax statue power over your happiness.

The goal then is to have hope in relationships, but not the unrealistic expectation that another person can fill your bucket of happiness. 

Being successful as a leader, employer, partner, or individual boils down to this critical concept - shifting the responsibility for your well being from the other person’s shoulders (being a victim) onto your own (becoming an owner).  Research shows that the most successful performers in any area have made this shift.  Without it, success is short lived and will always settle back to mediocrity!

This Month’s Invitation:

Until next time, smooth sailing even in the storms and remember to Take Life By The Helm!